I have been working through a lot of emotions and feelings and other things but now it has come to the point where I am starting to question everything. Questioning everything is something that the Buddha taught so I guess I am in that flow. It is not a comfortable space especially if you feel that you have finally found the road but now it appears as if that road has disappeared.
Did the road disappear or have I decided to stop blindly believing and have reached the point where I am not going to settle and I am going to confront those things that have been lurking in the shadows that I have tried to push back over and over?
As we approach the end of 2014 there is a part of me that feels that it is another year without accomplishing anything that I set out to do. I did start 2 shops on Etsy and showcased my jewelry and even tried the marketing thing but when you heart is not driven by competition, it is hard. Does the lack of that drive mean that you can never have success? Does is keep you from trying to stand out?
It is hard to wrestle with the concept of competition. As I have been wrestling for so long. I never liked being the last one selected for the team or being looked past for not being pretty enough, for being too tall, being too skinny and now being too big.
Moving into a more spiritual life was a way that I thought would help me cope but it raised more thoughts and frustration. I tried the "be positive" thing and created a flow that I hoped would return to me but it has been a one way flow for the most part with the exception of creating a few relationships. There have been promises that were broken and the sense of being used which was the result of having an open heart.
Yet over and over the practices that I have worked with tell you to open your heart more. There has to be a point where that is what breaks you as if you give your heart to everyone where does your nourishment come from? There are a lot of opinions on the subject and a lot of them just do not ring true for me right now as I can't blindly follow and accept that someone is better than me because they have been studying for a longer period of time, are famous or claim to be enlightened. If there is a spiritual equality then why is there so much separation and a block in the flow of energy, love, compassion and trust?
I have heard that my vibration, despite loads of energy work, assistance, etc., is not high enough to communicate with angels. On the flip side that angels love me and want to help me. Angels are frustrated with me as I am not following their guidance which comes through when I sleep and I am plagued by weird dreams. That angels show you symbols and you should pick up on them and if you don't that you are somehow defective even though they won't use that word but let's clear out the hiding behind words and you are left with something that leaves you feeling like you are less than and that there must be something wrong with you since there are so many people who have conversations with angels.